|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
I can't begrudge anyone
for having fun making a homemade horror movie. I used to do that
when I was a kid, and I would always have a great time. The best
thing about it was that I didn't have a script going into it; I
just made up the sequence of events and the dialogue as I went along.
After it was completed, I'd show it to my parents and friends. Everyone
had fun watching it, including myself. However, my pleasure in making
horror movies didn't delude me into believing I had to share it
with the general public, and I'm sure those of you who own a video
camera would agree. The only ones who don't seem to agree are the
people behind "Terror Toons," a film that proves anyone
(and I really do mean anyone) can write, produce, and direct a film.
These are the kinds of people I begrudge: the ones who feel that
a cheaply made home video qualifies as a professional movie.
It's absolutely incredible that this film got released; no one in his or her right mind could have expected this blatantly amateurish work to be taken seriously, and if they did, then they need some seriously expensive professional help. It's a crude, barely half-hearted attempt at entertainment, setting into motion a wrongly conceived excursion into the world of storytelling. Its foray into violence and gore was so juvenile that it barely passes as laughable, and its intentionally cartoonish special effects were so low grade that "special" doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence. Who really wants to see a doctor scooping bloody entrails out of a person whose eyes are spinning like the googly peepers of Cookie Monster? For that matter, who would want to watch performances or hear dialogue that wouldn't even pass muster in an elementary school play? It wasn't a case of bad acting for the sake of satire or comedy; the people cast in "Terror Toons" simply could not act. Even the story leaves a whole lot to be desired. When sisters
Cindy (Beverly Lynn) and Candy (Lizzie Borden, of all names) are
left home alone for the night, Cindy and her friend, Amy (Kerri
Liu) decide to invite a couple of boys over for a little party.
Of course, the conveniently absent parents have strictly forbidden
this. But as we all know, teenagers never listen to the rules
their parents set (especially since, in this case, the "mother"
is played by a man). Candy initially protests. But as soon as
she gets a mysterious package in the mail, her attention is averted.
It contains a DVD called "Terror Toons," and she immediately
runs upstairs to watch it. I guess she didn't care that she was
given an item she didn't send away for. Then again, why should
she? Despite the fact that Lizzie Borden is a twenty-something
busty blonde, she's playing a character whose mental capacity
can't be above that of a ten- or eleven-year-old (if you don't
believe me, watch the scene of her taking a bath while singing
"Rubber Ducky"). |
|
|
Upon inserting the disc
into her player, Candy immerses herself in a fast-paced, frenetic
freak show of a cartoon series (despite the fact that all the characters
are real, physical people). The two most prominent characters are
the twisted Dr. Carnage (Matty Moo)--a mad scientist stereotype
with a green colored, goblin-like face--and Max Assassin (Scott
Barrows)--a monkey genetically altered into a gun-toting killing
machine. Their appearances can only be compared to mass-produced
Halloween masks, a quality that didn't do much to add to the film's
credibility. But apparently it's credible enough for Candy, who
watches their shameless exploits with the quiet enthusiasm of a
kid watching a Saturday morning cartoon. At least, that's how she
behaves at first; eventually, the show ends, leaving her with nothing
but a shot of a hypnotically swirling spiral. She then falls asleep,
giving Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin ample time to cross through
the television screen into our world.
Meanwhile, Cindy and Amy invite Rick (Brandon Reininger) and Eddie (Fernando Pedilla), two typical horror movie males who like to work out and bring alcohol to parties. Their arrival leads to a discussion of what they should do, and almost immediately, it becomes a sexually charged debate: the guys want to play Strip Poker while the girls want to fool around with a Ouija board. They eventually compromise on a game of Strip Ouija. Even though I have no idea how this game would work, I wouldn't have minded watching this scene. I actually didn't mind it at first. Then I noticed the board itself; the filmmakers actually spelled out the name of the game as "Weegee." Was this done on purpose or did they genuinely not know how to spell the word properly? Ultimately, I realized it was pointless to try and figure it out. It was also pointless to understand the direction this film went in. The demented toons eventually make their presence known to the rest of the cast, resulting in a mishmash of cinematic blunders, including a slew of over the top death scenes, most of which involved a series of oversized props. All of these murderous moments make use of slimy animal organs that are drenched in stage blood. And from that description alone, it's obvious that this is the kind of unnecessary drivel that would barely appeal to immature teenagers, let alone the horror movie demographic. How could it when it includes a cop (James Sullivan) that follows the rubber-faced killers into the real world? For him, the motto, "To protect and serve" amounts to nothing more than an excuse for an incredibly condescending attitude. And would it surprise you to learn that he likes donuts? When Cindy meets the Devil (Jack Roberts), I came to the conclusion that the public should never have seen this. I'm sure the actors had a lot of fun working on "Terror Toons." In fact, I hope they did; no one working on something this bad deserves to be stressed in the process. But it can't be denied that this has all the qualities of a made-to-be-laughed-at personal film, something to be viewed only by family and friends. It's a disgraceful attempt at filmmaking, and it has no place in video stores or even in the thoughts of the movie going public. - Chris Pandolfi |