Let's get right to the point: I truly hated "Black Christmas," and I regret ever thinking that seeing it was in any way, shape, or form a good idea. This is a vile, ugly, mean spirited film, filled with characters that deserve absolutely no sympathy. I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who has not seen the original 1974 version directed by Bob Clark (and to think he would later go on to direct "A Christmas Story"); all I could manage was to read an online plot synopsis. Nonetheless, reading a couple of paragraphs was a better experience than watching this 2006 remake, something so full of venom that it prevents the audience from getting the psychological high associated with watching a horror film. You're supposed to be thrilled when an onscreen victim is slaughtered. You're not supposed to be appalled.

Apparently, this film offends certain religious groups who claim that a horror film shouldn't be released during the Christmas season. Don't get the wrong impression; I don't support their position, and I don't care one way or the other if a horror film is released this time of year. I hate this movie for very different reasons, namely that it's poorly acted, poorly written, and completely lacking in decency. If a horror film is going to be released in late December, it should at least be a good horror film, one that doesn't dehumanize the victim characters by making them spiteful and bitter. I didn't like a single character in this film; the way I see it, they're all just as lowly as the ones who actually commit crimes.

As if that weren't bad enough, the story is completely implausible, going way past unbelievable and into the realm of utter ridiculousness. It begins when Clair Crosby (Leela Savasta) is upstairs in a room of her sorority house, signing her Christmas card for her sister. Almost immediately, she's killed off; a plastic bag is wrapped around her head, and for good measure, a fountain pen is jammed into her eye. It's interesting that no one heard such a commotion, considering everyone in the house is awake and within earshot. But considering the personalities of the other sorority sisters, it's easy to understand why they wouldn't have heard anything. We're introduced to Kelli (Katie Cassidy), Melissa (Michelle Trachtenberg), Heather (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), Lauren (Crystal Lowe), Megan (Jessica Harmon), and Dana (Lacey Chabert), six of the most snobbish characters I've ever seen. They don't care about each other. They don't care about their clueless housemother, Ms. Mac (Andrea Martin, who also appeared in the 1974 version of the film). All they do is badmouth everyone.

How convenient: they'll all be under the same roof during Christmas break. And because the weather outside is definitely frightful, with a snowstorm blocking access to the roads, they have nowhere to go. Such a hostile atmosphere doesn't seem right for the annual gift exchange, but they go ahead with it anyway. Of course, they can't exchange their own gifts until they open the one for Billy Lenz (played as an adult by Robert Mann), who as a child lived in the sorority house before it was used by the college. His legend is infamous; back in 1991, at the age of twenty-one, he murdered his mother and stepfather on Christmas Eve. Why the sisters keep this tradition alive is beyond me; Ms. Mac says it's all in good fun, but I find it hard to believe that anyone would feel the same way, especially during the Christmas season.

Let's examine this legend a little more closely: Billy Lenz was born in 1970 with a defective liver, giving him yellow skin. His father (Peter Wilds) loved him, but his chain-smoking mother (Karin Konoval) despised him, seeing him only as another version of her husband (who she also despised). Some years later, near the Christmas holiday, she killed her husband and unceremoniously locked her son up in the attic. She then began a new life with her boyfriend (Howard Seigel), and soon after, another child entered the picture. Her name was Agnus (played as a child by Christina Crivici), and as you might expect, her mother loved her dearly. Then came that fateful night in 1991, when Billy completely snapped. Not only did he beat his mother to death with a rolling pin, he also used Christmas themed cookie cutters to slice away chunks of her flesh. He then baked and ate them, with a glass of milk to wash them down.

Flash forward to the present day. Both Billy and his sister are in mental institutions, the former for obvious reasons, and the latter for reasons that are not quite so obvious. But whatever the circumstances, it's once again Christmastime, and Billy is determined to go back home. Let's skip all the murderous details and just say that he escapes through a series of convenient events, none of which are even remotely realistic.

Back at the sorority house, the girls begin receiving strange phone calls, all of which have a demonic voice rambling, "You're my family now." It marks the point at which the bodies start piling up. The second half of this film is nothing more than routine slasher material, defined by a series of over the top death scenes. Common horror movie weapons, such as knives and axes, are replaced by an array of Christmas decorations, including pointy ornaments and strings of lights. I never thought I would see a film where such festive items could be seen as something scary. Even when the decorations aren't being used to bash someone's skull in, they still look bizarre; red and green Christmas lights are commonly seen, and not in a way that seem jolly and pleasant. They blink like caution signs and give the hallways an eerie glow. Not that they managed to make the film effective; if anything, they made the experience worse.

I won't bother delving any further into this dismal plot: for one thing, there are a number of plot twists that I can't give away; for another thing, I simply don't care enough to continue. This is an awful, awful, awful movie. The only reason I'm giving it one star is because it's the lowest rating this website will allow. The reality is that it deserves no stars at all. I hated this film. It's unrealistic, it's unpleasant, and the characters' personalities are completely uncalled for. No one, not even fans of the horror genre, will have a happy holiday watching this piece of trash.

- Chris Pandolfi

More Recent Reviews:

Battleship (2012)

Girl in Progress (2012)

God Bless America (2012)

Dragon Eyes (2012)

Cup, The (2012)

 

  Recommendations: