In the original 1973 version of "The Wicker Man," actress Diane Cilento says to Edward Woodward, "Personally, I think it makes a very lovely transmutation." She was referring to the soul of missing twelve-year-old Rowan Morrison becoming one with a dead rabbit. But never mind the rabbit or the girl; it stood alone as a very effective line, almost coming off as funny in an odd sort of way. How fitting for a film of such depth, with numerous hidden layers very much focused on transmutation. Specifically, it focuses on new perceptions of different beliefs and customs. Apparently, such ideas haven't crossed over into corporate Hollywood; the writers of this 2006 remake should have taken Cilento's line into consideration when penning the screenplay. The transmutation from British Cult Classic to American Horror Film wasn't that lovely. To be perfectly honest, it was downright heartbreaking.

If there's any way in which this new "Wicker Man" outdoes the original, it's in its cinematography; the color palette is muddy and overwhelming, as if a painter had been a little too careless with his or her color combinations. It suited such a dark story perfectly, especially since it takes place on a remote island off the coast of Washington state. But a film's look means absolutely nothing if connected to a substandard story. Not only does this movie lack any of the original's genuinely unsettling aspects, it also skews the commentary on culture clash by means of unnecessary shock value. Instead of an isolated group of nature worshippers living in harmony, we now have an isolated group of extremists who revere the feminine and punish the masculine. Is it any wonder that they worship bees, an insect species with male drones working for the queen on a regular basis?

This is a real shame for California police officer Edward Malus (Nicholas Cage), whose arrival on the island of Summersisle is apparently met with intense malaise. Part of the problem is that he came to them right before a yearly harvest ceremony, one that they've held sacred for hundreds of years. But none of this matters; because Malus' former fiancee Willow (Kate Beahan) wrote to him out of desperation, he's willing to grin and bear it. That's because Willow's daughter, Rowan (Erika-Shaye Gair), has gone missing. It's a pretty personal situation for Malus, who hasn't gotten over a car accident that killed a woman and a girl during a routine traffic stop. He has haunting visions of them both during the course of the movie, all of which initially seem relevant but ultimately serve no purpose.

His emotional turmoil ineffectively replaces that of Sergeant Howie from the 1973 film; he was a deeply devout Christian, strictly adhered to old fashioned, conservative values. That aspect meshed well with the main plot, which involved him being thrust into a world he was completely unfamiliar with. It was the perfect setup for his interactions with the Summerisle natives, which worked better than they did for Malus in this remake. In the original film, Howie saw the natives as nothing more than heathens that believe in pagan ideals and perform morally reprehensible rituals. True enough; their free spirited worship of nature would take a little getting used to, especially since they constantly celebrated with song and dance and had much less repressive views on sex. But from the audience's perspective, they seemed like decent, innocent people. At least, it seemed so until the end of the movie (which I can't give away for those of you who haven't seen it).

The same can't be said for the remake. The moment Malus steps onto the island, the audience is immediately turned off by the natives. They're consistently creepy, detached, and aloof, qualities that detract from instead of enhance the seriousness of Malus' state of mind. I say this because the thoughts running through his head are much more disturbing than the islanders' cold reception. I would have liked it much more if today's audience had been tricked like the audiences of the 1970s were; for them, it wasn't immediately obvious that something was wrong with the people, and that made the final scenes that much more unsettling. But for us, the new version leaves no question that these people are odd. Because of that, the formerly shocking aspects of the final scenes are now reduced to an unsatisfying inevitability.

But before any of that happens, the mystery of Rowan grows deeper. Malus is continuously evaded as he attempts to get to the bottom of things. Passing around the girl's picture isn't getting anywhere, and neither is questioning the important locals (such as a schoolteacher, an innkeeper, and a doctor/photographer). No one seems to recognize her, despite the fact that he's found numerous clues of her existence (most notably her name written in the school registry book). Unfortunately, Willow is proving to be of little help. She secretly meets with him on a regular basis, each time giving him vague explanations that don't point at the truth so much as they barely hint at it. She claims to be afraid of the residents of Summersisle, convinced that they're trying to punish her for being so headstrong. She did, after all, leave her home and get engaged with an outsider.

But the more Malus listens to her, the less sense the situation makes. With few resources left, he meets with Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn), the religious leader of the island (portrayed as Lord Summerisle in the original film by Christopher Lee). Her speech on the founding of the island and on the importance of their beliefs does little to encourage Malus. However, it does convince him that he needs to act quickly; he firmly believes that Rowan is in danger, and he has to rely on no one else for help. He eventually realizes that he can't even rely on the law, which he had thus far been using to his advantage. (Odd, considering a California police officer would have no jurisdiction in Washington state. But I digress.)

By the time we get to the ending and meet the barely mentioned Wicker Man, the audience will come to the conclusion that the experience has been nothing but wasted effort. I say this mostly in reference to the new story, which ineffectively attempts to frighten the audience. The methods used in each version of the film couldn't have been anything less alike. I suppose this wouldn't have been so bad had the remake not relied so much on the original film's structure (exempting the inclusion of a completely unnecessary epilogue, featuring a cameo by James Franco). The dialogue alone nearly repeats Anthony Shaffer's 1973 screenplay verbatim.

Too bad such a fascinating film was reinterpreted--or transmuted, if you prefer--into such a disappointing horror flick. It isn't even impressive enough to recommend to those who haven't seen the original version. In that film, Christopher Lee says to Edward Woodward, "Perhaps it's just as well that you won't be here tomorrow to be offended by the site of our May Day celebrations." I should think it's just as well that the movie going public not be at the theater to be offended by the site of this remake. Much like the Wicker Man, it should be burnt to the ground.

- Chris Pandolfi

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