I had to reread my review of the original “Alvin and the Chipmunks,” not only because I had forgotten the plot, but also because I couldn’t remember what I thought of it. Oh yes, the film was that memorable. I’m forced to wonder if I was simply in a good mood the day I wrote it, as I gave the film a rating of 6/10. Now that we’ve reached the inevitable sequel, I don’t feel as forgiving. “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” is innocuous, strained, and in many instances, just plain dumb. On the basis of its humor, which consists mostly of tired physical gags and overused pop culture references, it seems the intention wasn’t to give kids something fun to watch but simply to play down to them. Are the filmmakers unaware that even children possess intelligence?

The film begins with the Chipmunks – Alvin (voiced by Justin Long), Simon (voiced by Matthew Gray Gubler), and Theodore (voiced by Jesse McCartney) – performing at a rock concert in Paris. I immediately noticed that they were each holding little electric guitars. It’s a cute visual, but would you expect them each to produce a sound as big as a full sized model? An onstage accident lands the Chipmunks’ adoptive father, Dave Seville (Jason Lee) in the hospital. You know the image – the head straightened by a neck brace, every limb in a cast, and one leg propped up by a sling. The Chipmunks return to Los Angeles without Dave, as he has enrolled them in high school. Their intended guardian, the elderly and handicapped Aunt Jackie (Kathryn Joosten), is herself critically injured when her wheelchair falls backwards down a flight of stairs. How hilarious.

This means that Jackie’s grandson, Toby (Zachary Levi), is forced to take care of them. Toby is a slacker who spends all his time playing video games. This means, of course, that he doesn’t know the first thing about responsibility. The consequences aren’t as dire as you might think. In fact, the greatest thing this character learns is how to not be shy; as a teenager in high school, he was bullied for having pimples and braces, and he had a secret crush on one of the pretty students. But I’m getting way ahead of the story. The Chipmunks themselves enter high school and encounter an environment so painfully adolescent, it makes “High School Musical” look like “Rebel without a Cause.” We get such overused clichés as head dunking in the toilet by mean-spirited jocks clad in varsity jackets.

Meanwhile, three new chipmunks are introduced. These would be Brittany (voiced by Christina Applegate), Janette (voiced by Anna Faris), and Eleanor (voice by Amy Poehler), who are physically and temperamentally analogous to their male counterparts – i.e. Janette has glasses like Simon and Eleanor is short and pudgy. They arrive by mail in one of those plastic packages medications are delivered in. We don’t know where they came from, but more importantly, we don’t know how the hell they survived a cross-country journey completely sealed off from air. Naturally, they have come to Los Angeles to fulfill their dreams of being the next music superstars, like their idols the Chipmunks. Lo and behold, they run into disgraced music mogul Ian Hawke (David Cross), who now lives in the basement in the building of his former record label. He fakes having an office and a nice apartment and temps the new arrivals with promises of fame and fortune, all so he can have his revenge on the Chipmunks.

The crux of the plot is a music competition at the high school. The principal, a closeted Chipmunks fan (Wendie Malick), needs her school to win, as the $25,000 cash prize will revitalize the failing music department. But who will represent the school? The new chipmunks, now dubbed the Chipettes, have recently enrolled, and it seems the rest of the students have equally divided themselves into two fan bases. As the night approaches, the Chipettes must be rescued from Ian, who once again shows just how much of a jerk he is. At the same time, Simon and Theodore will have to contend with Alvin, whose ego has grown so huge that he befriends the jocks and joins the football team. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a computer generated chipmunk, clad in a tiny jersey and helmet, cling to a football as it flies through the air.

The final scene will see Dave suddenly entering the school gym on crutches, his head still straightened by a neck brace. Amazing, how he was discharged from the hospital, got all his belongings from his hotel, made it to the airport, flew home from Paris, returned to his house, and arrived at the high school in the space of just one day. It’s even more amazing that he knew to go to the high school at all, as he was never made aware of the competition. At least we know he’s okay. The same cannot be said about poor Aunt Jackie, who after her fall was taken away in an ambulance and out of the movie. The message I got from “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” is that the elderly don’t matter. Why couldn’t she have been the one to suddenly burst through the gym doors?

- Chris Pandolfi

 

Click HERE to read the review of Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007)

Click HERE to read the review of Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011)

 

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