It’s sad when the idea for a film ends up being better than the actual film. “Crazy on the Outside,” the directorial debut of Tim Allen, centers on a man who wants to get his life back on track after being released from prison, only to find that everything is much more complicated than he thought. As far as movie pitches go, this sounds pretty good. Not great and certainly not original, but good nonetheless. So how could it have gone so horribly wrong? On all levels, this movie is not even remotely convincing. The story is painfully contrived. The characters are flat and annoyingly quirky. The comedy is incredibly broad. Because this is Allen’s first time in the director’s chair, I can only hope that he will learn from his mistakes. That’s assuming, of course, he’s fully made the transition to film director. I have my doubts.
 
Allen has cast himself in the lead role, quite possibly because both he and his character have jail time and parole in common. This in and of itself is fine, although I fail to understand why it had to be depicted in a film with such a bizarre sense of humor. He plays Tommy Zelda, who has just served a three-year sentence for pirating DVDs; when he’s released, he’s brought back into the life of his sister, Vicky (Sigourney Weaver), who’s awfully misguided in her attempts to make everyone happy. Their grandmother, for example (Helen Slayton-Hughes), has been led to believe that Tommy’s three-year absence was because of an extended trip to Paris, where he got engaged to a beautiful French woman training to be an astronaut. Jeez Louise, if you’re going to lie, at least come up with something plausible. This is but one of many lies concocted by Vicky, and while they aren’t quite unforgiveable, they do come dangerously close.
 
Branching off of this are a number of subplots, each more chaotic for Tommy than the last. As part of his parole, he must find employment, and lo and behold, he’s given a position at a tacky pirate-themed burger restaurant. Unfortunately, this conflicts with his master plan of rebooting his father’s long-forgotten painting business. Meanwhile, he finds that he’s still in love with his old flame, Christy (Julie Bowen), who’s just shallow enough to believe that she can divide her time between Tommy and her fiancé, a barely-seen electronics celebrity (Kelsey Grammer). And then there’s his old partner, the snaky Gray (Ray Liotta), who continuously tempts him back into pirating with lavish gifts and promises of money and security.

But the silliest subplot of all involves Tommy’s parole officer, Angela (Jeanne Tripplehorn), who falls in love with him against her better judgment. It’s bad enough she’s developed through contrivances, but to have a young son pressuring her to remarry, that’s just plain wrong. Why do we think it’s cute when a fresh-faced youth interferes in the love life of his or her parent, as was the case back when “Sleepless in Seattle” was released? It’s not cute. It’s manipulative and controlling. But never mind. In “Crazy on the Outside,” the kid’s name is Ethan (Kenton Duty), a plucky little-leaguer who takes a liking to Tommy from day one. This doesn’t make much sense given the fact that Tommy introduced himself by pushing Ethan off his skateboard. It seems that today’s fatherless kids have drastically lowered their standards.
 
There are plenty of jokes all throughout, but I’m hard pressed to say that any of them are funny. Many of them can be traced back to Weaver’s character. Do you see the humor in perpetuating a ridiculous lie to an old woman with a heart condition? Or in saying someone is dead when in fact that someone really isn’t? Or in convincing someone that someone else has disappeared and needs to be searched for? The film passes all these off as lovingly sneaky acts, but in reality, this would be considered a form of cruelty. As well it should be. Some actors are too good for this low level of humor, and Weaver is one of them; she’s both miscast and misdirected, and she seems to be under the impression that her character is somehow sweet and caring.
 
Other jokes, like the shenanigans of two of Tommy’s fast-food coworkers, are equally dumb. They’re also expected, since, apparently, all comedies these days must include one-dimensional side characters. Not expected is the idiocy with which the screenplay was put together. Did writers John Peaslee and Judd Pillot honestly believe that this movie could believably alternate between broad comedy and sappy drama? Successful comedy dramas are much subtler than that; they rely on actual plot development. “Crazy on the Outside” might have worked had it not gone in the direction of a comedy, playing up the friction between Tommy and Vicky and eliminating the ridiculous romance with the parole officer. Tim Allen is a decent enough actor, but if he ever wants to continue directing, the first thing he has to do is learn how to turn down a bad script.

- Chris Pandolfi

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