Genre: Dramatic Comedy Running Time: 1 hr. 27 min.
Release Date: September 19th, 1991 MPAA Rating: R
Director: Robert Veze Actors: Melinda Armstrong, David Millbern, Kelli Konop, Shelley Michelle, Rebekah Alfred, Ken Davitian, David Garrison, Antoinette Steen, Michelle Grassnick, Anita Hart
ikini Summer” begins like an episode of “Baywatch,” featuring bosomy women playing frisbee, walking dogs, applying sunblock, running on the beach, and tracing outlines on their bodies with their fingertips – paired with a ludicrously silly, titular theme song. It then merges into something along the lines of “Barb Wire,” with completely nude vixens lunging out of pools, splashing water all over, and groping themselves. This opening song and montage is so long, it transforms into a dream sequence, which reveals that the goofy Chester Marley (David Millbern) has dozed off during a painting lecture about vertical brush strokes versus horizontal ones.
Elderly Mr. and Mrs. Patterson will be leaving for a short period of time to Greenland, and Chet is supposed to paint the couple’s Malibu house while they’re away. He’s aided by a number of friends, each of whom has a room in the building, as if they’re all tenants in an apartment of sorts. It doesn’t make much sense, though their living situation is hardly of concern. In fact, the plot itself is of little concern to the filmmakers; “Bikini Summer” exists solely to gather together a bevy of babes for some fun and flaunting in the sun. Chet’s environmentalist pal Richard (Alex Smith) has an agenda to warn people about the harmfulness of ultraviolet rays; rockin’ housemate Jazz (Shelley Michelle) practices the electric bass for an upcoming gig; overweight Mad Dog (Kent Lipham) reclines on the couch, wordlessly slurping down beers and releasing a burp every so often; and Cheryl (Melinda Armstrong) preps in the bathroom, leading to a bit of embarrassment when Chet walks in on her (and her exposed, perky breasts). Again, however, these supporting roles (along with the leading ones) are of fleeting consequence.
“How would you two feel about being on the cover of a national magazine?” Chet’s latest scheme to mingle with busty blondes by clutching a camera and propositioning beachgoers isn’t so fruitless, providing additional opportunities for scantily-clad girls to strike sexy poses and rub themselves. Other subplots also arise, including picketers, all-girl rock band rehearsals (involving “perverted slimebucket” manager Max [Ken Davitian]), failing swimsuit designer Renee (Kelli Konop) struggling to sell her wares, Cheryl pursuing playboy Brad (Jason Clow), and two beach bums unsuccessfully hitting on everyone in their sights. But for all the aimless plot deviations, nothing is even remotely interesting.
It doesn’t help that the dialogue is bland, the acting is horrendous, and the humor falls flat. “Bikini Summer” isn’t really a movie (at one point, a character flashes a stack of money that is only printed on one side) as much as it is an attempt to cash in on the ease with which ’90s skin-flicks can be marketed (here, the conclusion contains repeated footage, suggesting there wasn’t actually enough content for a feature film). And this is one of the worst (or best, considering it’s basically a Playboy Video Calendar special), as it rarely attempts to hide its “gentleman’s pornography” intentions behind a storyline. This is exemplified by various, virtually unrelated asides to show four girls showering, one after the other; a slow-motion skinny-dipping montage; a swimsuit photoshoot; a water fight in white t-shirts; and the climactic Hot Bikini Contest – each lengthier and more licentious than the last. “You really only have one thing on your mind, don’t you?”
– Mike Massie