our years ago, brave astronauts Reed Richards (Pedro Pascal), Sue Storm (Vanessa Kirby), Johnny Storm (Joseph Quinn), and Ben Grimm (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) ventured into space as pioneers, but returned as protectors of the planet after a cosmic storm bestowed each with an extraordinary superpower. After saving citizens across the globe from countless disasters, invasions, and attacks from malicious monstrosities, it appears as if there’s nothing the “Fantastic Four” can’t handle. But when a mysterious metallic woman (Julia Garner) atop a surfboard appears on Earth, heralding the arrival of a world-devouring ancient being, the fearless foursome must face the ultimate test of family in order to stop the utter annihilation of everything they hold dear.

“We all know the story…” With its quick introduction and explanations of the superheroes, this latest restart for these fantastic fellows skips past the stickiness of unbelievable space marvels, jumping straight into its alternate version of Earth. Problematically, this version of Earth is stuck somewhere in the ‘60s, both visually and thematically, which means that the inclusion of Mole Man as an enemy immediately feels as if ripped from “The Incredibles” – which is peculiar, considering that that Pixar feature is an obvious send-up of the Fantastic Four. And it proceeds – via montages, excessive CG sequences, and even Michael Giacchino’s music – to mirror that aforementioned, bouncy animated film, with exaggerated movements and a certain quaint, sanitized innocence from simpler times.

Like in “WandaVision,” this film is approached as if a television series from yesteryear, embracing lightheartedness, plenty of color, and a distinct distaste for realism, almost as if copying the “Batman” show from the 1960s. It even mixes in design elements from H.G. Wells’ “Things to Come” with its retro-futuristic technology and props. It’s also exceptionally toothless in terms of humor, violence, action, and sexuality/anatomy (a space-birth in zero gravity is somehow entirely free of bodily fluids), using its dated aesthetics to gloss over any potential sincerity from superheroes battling evildoers – or contending with angry mobs who turn on them when the going gets tough. It treats the otherworldly phenomena so matter-of-factly that it’s not exactly surprising when the arrival of genuinely hateful abominations barely raises a brow, despite not fitting into this universe in the slightest.

And those antagonists are unusually frustrating, thanks to a complete lack of definitions or boundaries. They can do far more, supernaturally, than the heroes, exhibiting capabilities made up on the spot, which makes the Fantastic Four’s various plans thoroughly meaningless; after all, the silvery gliding woman can fly faster than spaceships through wormholes, though her oversized boss appears to be confined to a sluggish vessel as if a spacebound Michael Myers unhurriedly stalking a screaming teen. The timing of virtually everything is nonsensical and contrived, made more evident when last-minute or close-call interactions line up in the most inorganic fashion. And while the baddies can break all the rules of physics, the leads are stuck with the inconveniences of oxygen and fragile flesh.

The whole production balances itself between a Saturday morning cartoon and just another in a long line of unoriginal superhero movies. It may be slightly refreshing to see a period-piece spectacle, but the sense of adventure is minimal and the characters are dreadfully dull. A lack of camaraderie and chemistry is fatal here; even their WALL·E-like servant robot is upsettingly uncharismatic. It’s aggravating to witness zero believable romance between Reed and Sue, zero funny shenanigans between Ben and Johnny, and zero inspiring teamwork with the four of them; not once do the characters exchange convincing dramatic speeches or humorous gags. In the end, this preternatural quartet is monumentally uninteresting, given ineffectual powers to deal with a randomly invented, unsolvable predicament – which is then quickly and neatly resolved almost as rapidly as it was sized up, overcome while remaining devoid of moments of awe or suspenseful battles. Like many of Marvel’s previous theatrical chapters, “The Fantastic Four: First Steps” seems to exist solely to establish characters that will be reused (or returning) in “Avengers: Doomsday” – as is directly stated during the end credits roll.

– The Massie Twins