ppearing nightly in Las Vegas, Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall) shows off her goods, lip-syncing (to her own singing) in a spotlight onstage while wearing sparkly lingerie. Interestingly, the crowd contains as many women as men (if not more) – and Edy doesn’t actually strip away any clothing. It’s a bizarrely clean routine. But other business at the Rio casino isn’t as wholesome, since a bigwig named Mr. Juan Degas (Erik Estrada), known as the “Jack of Diamonds” in the mob underworld, is plotting an assassination attempt (flanked by a very recognizable Danny Trejo as a bodyguard – perhaps the lone decent actor) in order to ease his South American drug smuggling ring.

In Honolulu, a target will be identified, to be murdered by two seemingly inept goons (Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino), who are supposed to be explosives experts. The island paradise just so happens to contain Molokai Cargo employees Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) and Nicole Justin (Roberta Vasquez) – who conspicuously wear uniforms that fail to conceal their sizable chests. And, inexplicably, Nicole is the target – a killing that will send a terrifying message. “Shoot her in the head.”

Written and directed by Andy Sidaris, “Guns” is not just pitifully and generically named (very much a Z-grade undertaking), it’s also narrowly focused on just one thing – or, rather, two things. Enormous breasts are front and center, partially exposed frequently enough that audiences won’t have time to forget that they’re the stars. The plot doesn’t matter much, though it turns out that Donna and Nicole aren’t mere transportation workers – they’re top secret agency operatives with specialized skills, which will find them giving chase to a helicopter getaway vehicle before deciding to head to Vegas to join forces with other division agents for what promises to be a deadly endeavor.

Attempts are made to generate engaging action sequences, such as a when a plane shoots at motorcyclists, but it’s painfully evident that the budget constraints are too much to overcome, routinely preventing convincing stunts from taking place. Obnoxious editing tends to obscure the fact that cuts and close-ups substitute for authentic action. Even props are exceptionally flimsy. Of course, the formula of girls, guns, and explosions is clear (this one even has ninjas!), especially as comic components crop up often enough to negate the trivial bits of bloodshed and other minimally serious shots (the bulk of “Guns” is jokey and insincere, with goofy music and musical cues). Sadly, bland dialogue and even blander deliveries also stifle the effectiveness of virtually every interaction; the cast is absolutely not here for their acting chops. “My boyfriend doesn’t want me to oil wrestle anymore.”

A fiddling investigation gets underway as the villains plot further slaughters. But opportunities are destined to arise, chiefly, for brief sex scenes, girls rolling around in play pools, naked massages, regular showers, slow moisturizing, and Brimhall continually dancing onstage in various revealing costumes (there’s also quite a bit of crossdressing, which is entirely unnecessary, though it’s intended to add a touch of humor). Even an unsubtle female assassin struts around in skimpy clothing. Problematically, even with all of the visual titillation, the film moves too slowly; with its consistent cheapness, the steady build to a detonative finale doesn’t feel like a build at all. The tone is flat and the escalation negligible. And since the character development is so paltry (this is the fifth entry of an unofficial series of likeminded Sidaris productions, featuring recurring personas with sloppy continuity and inconsequential flashbacks), with amateurish performances, it’s inconsequential who lives or dies.

Many elements of “Guns” come across as a spoof of James Bond storylines, but the execution is too shabby and cartoonish to be funny or exciting or sexy. But it does have a lot of guns and girls; the ingredients are all present but the recipe is still a disaster. “You’ve just changed this game from slow burn to boil.”

– Mike Massie