woman with prohibitively long fingernails goofily types onto a computer, whose readout displays the opening title credits. With those nails, she can barely adjust her glasses as she licks her lips and continues to finger the keyboard. The story proper, however, begins with the ponderously-mustached flatfoot Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton), who enters a gun range to try out a new weapon – which he’s certainly unable to use with precision.

Shortly thereafter, after watching Mecham Racing driver June Khnockers (Lynda Wiesmeier), who earns her name with an immediate topless sequence, the private investigator heads to his yacht, Malibu Express, where he also receives a quick showering shot before two large-busted women barge in on him to ask if they can use the facilities. Clearly, Cody is capable of easily surrounding himself with suspiciously attractive girls – considering that they throw themselves at him nonstop. “We want to know if you’ll investigate our privates.”

Despite the frequent nude scenes, which are so continuous that breasts seem to flop out of their wardrobes both intentionally and accidentally (or show through thin clothing anyway), there’s an espionage-type plot afoot. The Russians are five years behind the U.S. in technology, but they continue to steal computer-based industry secrets, allowing them to maintain an edge. And so, government official Douglas F. Wilton (Robert Darnell) instructs one of his contacts, Contessa Luciana (Sybil Danning), to recruit Cody to infiltrate the household of Lady Lillian Chamberlain (Niki Dantine), a prime suspect. Of course, Cody takes the opportunity to sleep with Luciana first – before they even bother with discussing the assignment. “Pleasure before business.”

Written, produced, and directed by Andy Sidaris, the loose plot essentially serves as an excuse to film Playboy Playmates prancing about, reciting generic dialogue (brimming with innuendo) and systematically undressing. It’s so laser-focused on sex and nudity that the premise seems to get in the way more than it creates a framework for the lasciviousness. A blackmail subplot also arises, involving sisters Anita (Shelley Taylor Morgan) and Liza Chamberlain (Lorraine Michaels) and their chauffeur, but it’s specifically designed solely for additional moments of carnal coupling. “Girl-watching is what I do best.”

Interestingly, Sidaris is comfortable with admiring both the female and the male form, as he casts hulking bodybuilders in the roles of henchmen, who take their shirts off as frequently as the Playmates. Men working out also take up a bit of screentime. And one of the characters is a transvestite, though he’s the target of some offensive derision. As all of the personas rotate being featured in various stages of nakedness, the gangster, policing, secret-agent, and sleuthing components begin to fall apart; they’re so insincere and repetitive that they practically bore. The Z-grade acting, the pitiful soundtrack, and the moronic storytelling certainly don’t help.

Though blood and violence turn up to combine with the exploitation elements – alongside one unusually creative second of cinematography, in which a dying man tumbles through a glass door, transitioning into Cody diving into a pool – everything that isn’t a straightforward sex scene just isn’t approached with much care. It may be an action/comedy of sorts (and a pathetic spoof here and there), but the overall shoddiness, paired with an overlong runtime, makes the entire production too slow and meandering to be successful as either an adventure or a riot – or even as an erotic endeavor. It’s also stretched out due to intermittent vehicle stuff; to supplement the guns and girls, a few fast cars and a helicopter pop up, trying desperately to cater to traditional macho interests. The formula and the target audience are obvious, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. And the finale is needlessly complicated and nonsensical – and yet another opportunity for a busty woman to shower.

– Mike Massie