t the center of the galaxy stands Castle Grayskull, on the planet Eternia, where sorcerers vie for control, certain that its location between the light and the dark will grant the conqueror a place as a master of the universe. Opening with music by Bill Conti that is a blatant rip-off of the “Superman” theme, the film proceeds to steal immoderately from “Flash Gordon” and “Star Wars,” as the castle’s throne room houses the black-armored, laser-weapon-wielding guards of the merciless warlord Skeletor (Frank Langella) and his henchwoman Evil-Lyn (Meg Foster). At least Skeletor’s facial makeup is mildly amusing, as his visage resembles that of a fleshless skull, yet his eyes and mouth move as if that cranium is actually made of flesh.

While the safety of the world hangs in the balance, the only possible savior is He-Man (Dolph Lundgren), a brave warrior whose forces previously protected Grayskull. Skeletor’s armies hunt him down to a hut belonging to Gwildor (Billy Barty), a mischievous dwarf-like creature who invented the Cosmic Key, which can open portals to anywhere – a device abused by the current vanquisher to overthrow an angelic sorceress (Christina Pickles), alongside He-Man and his loyal soldiers Teela (Chelsea Field) and Man-at-Arms (Jon Cypher). But just before they can be captured or killed, Gwildor uses his Key to randomly transport them to Earth – where they’ll need to team up with the unlikely heroes of that unassuming planet: Julie Winston (Courteney Cox) and her former boyfriend Kevin Corrigan (Robert Duncan McNeill).

“What a barbaric world.” Problematically, the film just starts in the middle of what is clearly a larger story, hoping that audiences are already pre-sold on the characters and premise and conflicts (this is all based on the Mattel toy franchise). But for everyone who’s not a faithful fan, it feels awfully rushed; there’s no proper introduction for anyone, including He-Man. The only roles that seem natural, strangely, are the humans, who are invented just for this movie, and can’t do much other than remain vulnerable, shout hysterically, and manage a great deal of luck to survive the onslaught from supernatural, super-powered mercenaries sent to destroy them. The plot probably would have worked better if everything took place on Eternia; as it is, the running about through the streets of an American town (in California), as well as the busy-work confusion as enemies pursue the protagonists in goofily ineffective ways, tend to slow down the pacing and generate plenty of lulls. “What is this, a circus act?”

As action sequences merely unfold, with little sense of the stakes – since the characters and their weaknesses or strengths aren’t properly defined (the villains are so insincere that they go to tremendous lengths not to kill anyone) – it’s evident that this premise is riddled with an incongruent mix of swords-and-sorcery fantasy and futuristic sci-fi technology. More than one fight involves stabbing weapons and pointy projectiles going up against guns that shoot colorful blasts of energy. As a result, the tension is minimal, the excitement is overwrought, and the interactions are largely phony, especially as the journey from one area to the next, chasing or being chased, unfolds as if made up spontaneously.

“He’s in terrible danger. Let’s go.” Perhaps the biggest fault to this picture is Lundgren’s casting. He certainly looks the part, but he brings nothing to the table when it comes to acting; he’s unable to deliver lines devoid of monotonic recitation. Supporting roles like Foster are visually authentic, too, though the costuming and props and special effects are mostly cheap and flimsy. Yet the story itself is so poorly constructed that the actors almost don’t matter; the whole ordeal is meant to be a bit childish and thoroughly comical, hoping to recreate the blend of adventure and whimsy found in superior works, but struggling here to find a consistent tone. Ultimately, everything becomes meaningless when the characters are un-relatable and unsympathetic and have nothing interesting to do; “Masters of the Universe” is very much a film that was rushed to production to capitalize on selling merchandise before any reasonable, manageable, good ideas were written into a script. “I feel like I’m in ‘The Twilight Zone’ or something!”

– Mike Massie