here do I start?” Indeed, there’s quite a bit of a history to this franchise, based on the Mattel toy line, which was intricately supplemented by mini-comics, originally released throughout the ‘80s. Blending sword-and-sorcery designs with hyper-advanced tech, this sci-fi/fantasy epic is set on Eternia, a world of endless beauty – inhabited by the stuff of legends and bedtime stories, ranging from mythological creatures to portal-traveling spaceships. It was certainly an amusing arrangement for children’s figures, even if it never really felt unique or intellectually congruous. “I swear I’m not high!”

Here, it’s even less harmonious, perhaps, since there’s a clear self-awareness to the absurdity of the mishmash in inventions, as well as to the unexplained aspects of undefined superpowers. Essentially, the guardian sorceress (Morena Baccarin) of Castle Grayskull secrets away unspeakable black arts into a shiny sword, whose wielder can become as almighty as a god. And, as the picture itself acknowledges, that artifact is goofily dubbed the Sword of Power. After hundreds of years under the protection of Prince Adam’s ancestors, that mystical weapon is now sought after by the plainly, elementarily, irredeemably evil Skeletor (voiced by Jared Leto), always accompanied by his trusty side-witch Evil-Lyn (Alison Brie). And he’ll stop at nothing to get it, quickly conquering Eternia, turning its lushness into an ashen wasteland and its denizens into dungeon-fodder.

Fortunately, Adam, the feeblest and wimpiest member of his family – despite expert tutelage under man-at-arms Duncan (Idris Elba) – manages to flee the planet with the sword, though he loses it in the process of chaotically landing on Earth. For the next 15 years, as he grows into an unusually bulky man (Nicholas Galitzine), hitting the gym compulsively it would seem, he hunts for the missing relic in his adopted hometown of Oklahoma City. Just as in his childhood, Adam is routinely ignored, demoralized, and underestimated, though his obsession over the special saber definitely interferes with his ability to lead a normal life – laid out as working a soul-crushing job at Human Resources in a cubicle-covered office, rooming with an equally lonely guy (Christian Vunipola), and unsuccessfully attempting to date on Hinge. “This world is no place for the weak.”

Though this second theatrical adaptation may have had ideas that predated other works, it’s late to the stage with many of its concepts, including a “The Lord of the Rings” mix of ogres and monsters, or its “Star Wars”-like starfighter dogfights, or its “Shazam!” notions of spontaneous and humorous transformations into a musclebound warrior. Plus, its excessive sequences of action and violence and destruction, utilizing primitive stabbing weapons but also futuristic laser-blasting guns, are rarely inventive (the choreography is humdrum at best). There are far too many characters, entirely too many duels, and way too long of a runtime. As with similar properties, overpowered villains must pause continuously to allow for the heroes to regain their footing or escape altogether, rather than merely killing them in an instant.

“Masters of the Universe” realizes that its plot is messy and largely unsupportable, so it opts for plenty of comic relief and jokes at its own expense – a moderately winning formula like that in “Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves.” Sadly, it’s never laugh-out-loud funny, even if its mirthfulness works with the material. Where it thrives is in its many nods to the Mattel lore and characters and costumes, its underdog personas, and its music – which can be primarily attributed to the rockin’ electric guitars of Queen’s own Brian May. The spectacle is only lightly effective, while Duncan’s chemistry with his tough-as-nails daughter Teela (Camila Mendes) is thoroughly mediocre – as is the chemistry with her would-be love-interest, Adam. Convenient geography, imprisonment without disarmament, and drawn-out rituals also spoil the momentum. But despite it so often bordering on being too silly for its own good, the nostalgic components are fitting and the straightforward, childish sense of heroism and adventure are curiously charming. And it would be virtually impossible for it to be worse than its 1987 predecessor. “Hang on. It’s about to get weird.”

– Mike Massie 5/10