Genre: Sci-Fi Comedy Running Time: 1 hr. 17 min.
Release Date: July 27th, 1994 MPAA Rating: R
Director: Ellen Cabot Actors: Morgan Fairchild, Ian Abercrombie, Brian Bremer, Christopher Wolf, Sara Suzanne Brown, Michele Matheson, Tamara Tohill, Laurel Wiley, Robin Joi Brown
est Tube Teens from the Year 2000” is expectedly terrible. It’s an erotic science-fiction teen comedy with the silliest thread of a plot, the most ridiculous characters, laughable acting, atrocious dialogue, and plenty of gratuitous nudity. The film even opens with a disturbingly substandard mimic of a James Bond title sequence. Certainly not meant to be taken seriously, Torchlight Entertainment’s second feature film release (originally titled “Virgin Hunters”) attempts to capitalize on softcore appeal, but the eroticism is at an unsatisfying low due to an awful lot of pointlessness frequently interfering with the random, amusing nakedness.
In the year 2019, corporate mega-conglomerates have foreclosed on the United States government and seized complete control. “Corporate way is the only way,” says the slogan forced into the minds of every citizen by “Big Brother,” a stolen term that this film makes no effort to steer clear from. The past is a heavily guarded secret and all carnal activities have been outlawed – even thinking about sex is a crime. Ruthless leader Camella Swales (Morgan Fairchild), who long ago decided that intercourse was unnecessary, now only allows children to be born from test tubes. “Make money, not love,” she decrees.
When curious teens Vin (Christopher Wolf), Naldo (Brian Bremer), and Reena (Sara Suzanne Brown) are confronted by rebel Professor Dorn (Ian Abercrombie) to engage in a last ditch attempt at changing their sheltered existences, the trio is transported back in time to the year 1994 with only three days to alter the future. Hiding amongst the young girls at a boarding school, Vin and Naldo must find the woman responsible for the terrible fate of 2019 before a deadly cyborg intent on destroying them succeeds in its deadly mission.
Right from the start, there are daydream sequences in which Vin envisions classmate Reena seductively stripping. The duo also stumbles upon a Time Chamber and a handy box of skin magazines, while a television set is turned to an adult station – clearly, a story-related reason to show female nudity isn’t the priority. In fact, every nude scene is haphazardly placed just to break up the plodding of the actual plot. The cross-dressing by Vin and Naldo is carried on entirely too far (they’re disguised as Swedish exchange students), a Terminator rip-off is concocted right down to the shades, accent, music, and quotes, and out of nowhere an incredibly long and pointless club dance sequence appears. In the only humorous role, Morgan Fairchild (who has many theatrical credits to her name, though few are memorable) copies Ilsa She Wolf of the SS for her part as domineering headmistress Swales. Brief and fleeting, “Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000” manages to segue many monotonous moments into slow-motion shower scenes or candlelit, music-video lovemaking – scenes that are far more entertaining than pitiful attempts at storytelling.
– The Massie Twins