Troll 2 (1990)
Troll 2 (1990)

Genre: Horror Running Time: 1 hr. 35 min.

Release Date: October 3rd, 1990 MPAA Rating: PG-13

Director: Drago Floyd Actors: Michael Stephenson, Connie McFarland, George Hardy, Margo Prey, Robert Ormsby, Deborah Reed, Christina Reynolds

 


 

T

he dialogue is atrocious, the acting is utterly amateurish, and the makeup effects are of the caliber found in Halloween shops. This is the kind of cinematic garbage the filmmakers probably wished they had never been involved with – a stain on their resumes that effectively prevented them from having careers. The moment that really takes the cake: a red-lipped witch seduces a young man with a corncob. When they sensuously begin eating it together, popcorn starts piling up around them. As execrably terrible as it is, “Troll 2” is actually a smidgeon better than the original (even though this film merely took the name for marketing purposes and has nothing to do with its predecessor).

Grandpa Seth (Robert Ormsby) tells a story to young Joshua Waits (Michael Stephenson) about ruthless goblins. They apparently love to feed thick green pudding to wayward travelers, turning them into half-man, half-plants – the goblins favorite food – before they devour them (a tad reminiscent of Peter Jackson’s “Bad Taste”). These merciless, dwarfish, vile creatures don’t need to justify their cruelty. Josh’s mom (Margo Prey) interrupts the finale, revealing that Grandpa Seth has actually been dead for months and the boy is constantly hallucinating.

Josh’s parents decide to trade houses with a family in the vegetarian town of Nilbog (goblin spelled backwards), and so the Waits family sets off on a weekend road trip, bringing pumping iron sister Holly (Connie McFarland), who invites her boyfriend Elliott Cooper (Jason Wright). When the group leaves early without Elliott, he takes his camper and his trio of friends in pursuit. As soon as Josh gets situated in the new home, he finds himself continuing to be guided by the ghost of his grandfather, coercing him to drop trow and urinate on the welcoming food, which is actually poisonous substances that will turn them all into plants.

Back at the camper, buddy Arnold (Darren Ewing) is the brave one, who tries to save a frightened girl running through the forest, only to be speared by a goblin’s makeshift javelin. Mid-flee, they come upon a church-like cottage inhabited by the druid witch Creedence Leonore Gielgud (Deborah Reed), who tricks them into ingesting green broth that transforms Arnold into a mutant tree, while the girl becomes one with the vegetable world (essentially she turns into a slimy lettuce cocoon). “They’re eating her! And then they’re going to eat me! Oh my goooooodddddd!”

It isn’t uncommon for random scenes of stupidity and nonsense to prevent the plot from progressing. With close-ups of the mom with her eyes peeled back as wide as possible all the time (it’s her only expression), a sheriff’s car adorned with a giant shiny badge sticker partly peeling off, and the grandpa frequently making up rules about magic for convenient getaways (“Only the power of goodness can destroy these monsters!” realizes Joshua), it’s no wonder “Troll 2” is widely considered to be one of the worst movies ever made (it does, however, have a cult following). The best part? The hilariously cheesy music that plays during every chase sequence, just begging for Sonic the Hedgehog to materialize and run with the goblins. Perhaps the biggest question is why this film is called “Troll 2” when there are no trolls anywhere to be found.

– Mike Massie

  • 2/10