ddie Brock (Tom Hardy) and his powerful alien symbiote Venom are on the run from the FBI, accused of the murder of Detective Patrick Mulligan (Stephen Graham). But they’re not the only ones hunting the inseparable duo. Dr. Payne (Juno Temple), the lead scientist of the Imperium Program, a secret organization dedicated to research and containment of all symbiotes, with the aid of the highly-funded and heavily-armed General Strickland (Chiwetel Ejiofor), seeks to capture Venom to further her studies of the lifeforms. When an ancient wrathful god, imprisoned for eons by the symbiotes, awakens and begins sending xenophage hunters to track down Eddie, the fate of the entire universe rests on the monstrous shoulders of the “Lethal Protector.”

It begins by introducing a random new villain with random allies, foiled by random betrayers, who create a random way of imprisoning that villain for what is supposed to be eternity. But, of course, they also devise a random way for him to escape, which means that he must pursue a random way of tracking down that ludicrously contrived loophole. None of this is explained with any sensible justifications; it’s the most generic of fantasy setups, hoping that by narrating it with an ominous voice and forbidding imagery (murky creatures scurrying through inky environs), audiences will just accept it as the way it is. It’s the absolute laziest and most pathetic way to kick off a premise.

It is, however, right in line with the last couple of Venom features, so it’s far from unexpected. Skipping past some of the multiverse nonsense, Eddie again strikes up his exhausting schtick with the invasive symbiotic goo, like a more divided, less cohesive, less amusing version of Jim Carrey’s Stanley Ipkiss as he fights the comically anarchic forces of the Mask. And it’s still painfully unfunny.

Adding to the tired feel of this third attempt to drag on the bland misadventures of the uncomfortably odd couple are cockroach monsters that are conspicuously derivative of the “Men in Black” main bug baddie, as well as a van full of Area 51 fanatics, who exist for no other reason than to be victims in desperate need of a rescuing at the most inopportune times (and the patriarch is Rhys Ifans, who has already been a major character in a Spider-Man film). Apparently, Eddie doesn’t have enough to do as he fends off interplanetary invaders; he must stop to ponder the aimless yet freeing life of nomadic wanderers, who have built a cheerily disgruntled family unit he momentarily envies. Problematically, even in these quieter moments, the dialogue is atrocious. The characters are all so exceptionally dull, unsympathetic, commonplace, and unbelievable that it makes the action, violence, and extraterrestrial confrontations equally flavorless. “Lady luck is a fickle slut!”

And since none of the roles are worth rooting for, it’s entirely inconsequential whether or not they succeed or fail in their hackneyed, arbitrary goals. Why is the imprisoned titan able to communicate with his minions? Why are they working for him? Why are they able to teleport anywhere they want? Why can they always see the pointless key that guides them to Eddie? Why do they have no weaknesses? Why are the various government forces unable to detect them? Why are all these random concepts drummed up on a whim, with no background, no rules, and no reasons? With such pitiful writing, it’s impossible to take any of the scenarios seriously.

And seriousness is at a minimum anyway, considering this latest superhero adventure is trying so futilely to be a comedy hybrid. Yet the humor is extremely unfitting, with Venom constantly cracking dad jokes or goofy insults, none of which land (and who exactly wants to see Venom sing and dance?). The rest of the dialogue is merely characters telling one another what the struggles are and how they ought to combat them. This makes every interaction awkward, unnatural, and insincere. Even with the slam-bang, repetitive hubbub at the finale, overusing mediocre computer graphics in place of convincing showdowns and destructive face-offs, there’s zero sense of awe getting marshaled. This is an aggravatingly lusterless, entertain-less finisher for a gruelingly uncreative trilogy (with what has got to be one of the most uninspired of all movie titles). “Aliens suck!”

– The Massie Twins