Vice Academy (1989)
Vice Academy (1989)

Genre: Crime Comedy Running Time: 1 hr. 30 min.

Release Date: June 8th, 1989 MPAA Rating: R

Director: Rick Sloane Actors: Linnea Quigley, Ginger Lynn Allen, Karen Russell, Jayne Hamil, Ken Abraham, Stephen Steward, Jeannie Carol, Tami Bakke, Jo Brewer

 


 

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nake (Manny Serrano) is looking to make a drug buy from a new supplier (Pasquale La Rocca) – a guy who has limitless quantities of the good stuff. But just as a deal is about to be secured, a shapely blonde strolls up to their car, asking about where she might find a party. Although initially agitated, Snake soon relents, revealing a large bag of cocaine. “There’s just one little thing … ” muses the young woman, Holly Wells (Ginger Lynn Allen). “You’re busted!”

Despite the dangers of conducting a drug arrest alone, Holly manages just fine. It certainly helps that her father is the chief of police. Graduation from Ms. Devonshire’s (Jayne Hamil) Los Angeles Vice Academy class is just a few weeks away, and her students are required to make 10 successful arrests apiece in order to gain a spot on the force. Inexplicably, all the pupils are sexy, busty women, save for Dwayne (Ken Abraham), the lone guy who becomes the target for exercises such as disarming an assailant – for which he must endure kicks to the groin by all the girls, who line up one after another for their turn. His usual partner is Shawnee (Karen Russell), the most buxom of the bunch – and a girl who opts to take her shirt off to distract the bad guys. As for Holly, her aspirations for becoming a vice cop are continually challenged by rival Didi (Linnea Quigley), who trades insults like a high schooler.

“Silence you imbeciles!” “Vice Academy” is intended to be a comedy, with hordes of bimbos dressing sluttishly (part of their job is to infiltrate organizations as prostitutes) or finding flimsy excuses to bare their breasts, but the humor is so stale that there’s nothing appealing here except the nudity. The slapstick is so phony, even the Three Stooges would be embarrassed by it. The girls are equipped with James Bond-like gadgetry, including lipstick that simulates gunfire, a perfume bottle that screeches like a police siren, and earring transmitters, but these rarely contribute to laughs. In fact, the only genuine funniness comes from Didi’s undercover persona, with a stock resume that contradicts all of her likes and dislikes for when she tries to get a role as a porn star to root out criminals involved in an underage pornography ring (exploiting star Cherry Pop [Allison Barron]). The filming of the XXX film “Chafed Raw” is also mildly humorous, as Didi grows infatuated by her costar, though their sex scenes bizarrely commence – and finish – without the removal of any clothing.

The dialogue is, of course, absolutely atrocious. And the acting couldn’t be more pathetic. Hiding behind the idea that this whole thing is a spoof of sorts doesn’t help, either. The filmmaking is poor enough that “Vice Academy” barely qualifies as a movie; however, its shoddiness provides light entertainment, unintentionally stemming from just how pitiful the entire endeavor is. At one point, the script even devolves into overtly racist gags.

By the end, when a sting operation goes so badly that Didi has to call her porn star boyfriend, Chucky Long (Stephen Steward), to rescue her fellow rookies, the picture turns downright nonsensical – even more so when main villainess Queen Bee (Jeannie Carol) appears, eating honey and wearing a giant stinger stuck to her backside. This is probably one of the cheapest, tawdriest of all late-night, last-rate exploitation efforts. Perhaps most surprising of all is that it garnered five feature-length sequels (Quigley returns for the second part, while Allen makes it to the third film). “She had a choice between blowing her cover or blowing … ”

– Mike Massie

  • 1/10